THINGS THAT I’VE LEARNED

If you have read my face book status recently, you know that I will be joining that group of people the media and AARP consider seniors soon.  Yes, I will officially be 50 years old on January 30^th.  In previous months, I felt anxiety knowing the AARP would now hunt me down like the IRS to begin mailing offers for insurance and reminders that I am no longer a “spring chicken”.  I was feeling that I needed to make sudden changes in my life to fight off my fear of being old by society’s standards.

Before the New Year, (except for the menopause thing…which I believe is STILL WRONG!) growing older in years, not age, weighed on me.  I could not imagine Charlotte being 50 years old.  That just did not sound right.  Boy, I knew I was born in 1962 but I felt (and believe I looked) like a young woman of only 35 years.

There is a point to my rambling about entering the second half of my life.  Over the holidays, while many poured over stuffing, mashed potatoes (both on my very nasty foods list by the way, but we will save that conversation for another time), yams, wonderful gifts, and travel, I poured over the past almost 50 years of my life.  Yes, I allowed time for resting, calling friends and family back home, watching many movies, and hours of fun with my two cats (Cole and Conner) opening their Christmas stockings filled with catnip, toys and plain ole mischief in which to annoy their mother.

Mainly, I journal led, wrote, laughed, cried, rejoiced and was amazed at the journey I lived through and the many things I’ve learned the easy way and learned even better the hard way.  In that time of reflection, I came away loving my life and story (yes the tragedies, abuses, pain, suffering, depressions, addictions,  and attempts of suicides as much as the joys, great accomplishments, successes, fame, wealth, travel, recognition, opportunities and impact on lives) even more than before.  Even more, I could see some things about my past, future and the world around me so plainly, that I found it embarrassing that I could not see it before. Remarkably, I came to remember some insights that have grown stronger with each year and have proven to be true through the test of time and experience.

With your permission, as a counselor, consultant, award-winning author, national speaker, and fellow walking wounded journeyer, I would love to share four of those insights that I was reminded of as I enter the next great leg of my journey.

1)      The first insight was “My needs are always valid.  The problem occurs in the source I look to in getting those needs met.” 

TRUTH: We have been created with three great needs; to be loved, to have worth and to be accepted.

PROBLEM: Example: I have a need to be loved.  I look to Mr. Slim Slam Hookfin to be my source of love. (That is impossible) When he doesn’t love me like I believe I should be loved or love me enough (which he can never do) there is a problem.

LIE: As humans (rather Christian or not) we often fight and constantly believe the lie that our worth, love and acceptance can be earned, performed for, competed for, is based on what we’ve done, do or what we have.  It never did and never will.  In my personal opinion, as long as we believe that lie, there will always be racism, prejudice, separation, comparison, insecurities, class difference, etc.

2)      The second insight was “No matter what events (joyful or painful) took place in my life they are a part of my story that is to be used for a purpose no matter what.” 

 The purpose of my past and all the pain, ups and downs and in betweens was not so I could live out my life looking back and talking about what might have been.  My past is simply a record of my story up to this point that offer hints for my future. In other words, my past should reflect a glimpse of a “future which has not happened yet “– Dan Allender.  If I cannot find hope in any shape or form through my story, the problem is never my story but the perspective from which I’m viewing my story.  That’s my problem and nobody else is to blame…nobody!

 There were many times long ago when my biggest anger and issue with God was, “If you are so powerful, good, everywhere and love me, why didn’t you do something when I was being raped by seven different people?  What type of a good God would allow someone He loves so much to go through that?”

 I don’t want to get into all the details right now.  You can read some of my past series and post on this blog or get my second book for more details.  However, I’ve come to know the only reason I can say that I would gladly live every second of every horrible detail of my life over again is because I know for a fact that my life has been, is currently being used for an incredible purpose (and way more is still to come), He IS good and my life and story prove it.

 Yeah, I needed to be loved, to have worth, to be accepted and to know the only source to provide it. However, through understanding my story and past I realizes, despite the incredible and amazing first half of my life, it’s only getting started whether that means living for another 50 years or 50 days.  My past has hinted to this future which has not happened yet and my hope is overflowing.

3)      The third insight was “Everything is a choice”. 

 In my opinion, we live in a society where we blame everybody and Santa Claus for why a result does or doesn’t happen.  As someone who was the victim of seven abusers, I will candidly say, In no way shape or form was I or will I ever be at fault for not one single second of any of the sexual abuse that happened to me as a child.  It doesn’t matter if the child is walking around naked or has a normal, God-given physical response to their abuser, IT IS NEVER THE CHILD’S FAULT.  Okay, I just needed to be clear on that for someone who might be carrying that shame around that is not theirs to carry. 

 The second part of that statement is I am now an adult.  If I cuss out somebody, continue generational bondage in my family, become an addict, hurt others, whatever, my abusers, parents, etc. are not to blame, I am.  They influenced my life, but everything is a choice.  As quiet as it is kept, the saying, “I had no choice” is false.  There may be choices that are hard or seem impossible but there is always a choice.  Every person I hurt including myself, everything I did, every lie I told, every drug I took, everything was on me and no one else.  I know that one is hard to hear.  But the redeeming thing about this insight for me is that I am able to look at everybody as “walking wounded.”  In knowing that I have hurt others, I can take my foot off the necks of everyone else who has hurt me and say, “Debt paid”.  Holding onto hurt only gives power to the other person and takes life from me anyway.  I have not one more second to offer in blaming or holding onto past hurts.

 4)      Finally, the fourth insight was “As long as secrets and fears of not measuring up remain hiding, my life is in bondage instead of freedom”. 

Sometimes, I think about people in the news or politics who get caught by a hidden situation, addiction, or fault in their past versus the ones who come out freely to admit their shortcoming.  It is interesting how differently people respond.  While initially surprised, people usually surround the latter group and congratulation them on the courage. 

Yeah, I’m headed to a point here.  Every last person on the face of this earth has junk.  Everybody!  Why do we work so hard to act like we don’t have problems, junk in our lives or have struggles?  Since when did being human and needing others become so wrong and weak?

Although, it was one of the most frightening things I’ve done in my life, I believe the most freeing act I’ve done was to write my first book, “Damaged Goods: An Autobiography” I had been through years of therapy and was struggling with some things in my life.  I never thought about being a professional writer because my mind was still focused on being a great worship leader and recording artist (while recording Jazz on the side).

Anyway, I wrote the book for many reasons but a huge reason was to take back my life from my abusers (one was already dead), dream killers, the secrets, my family, the shame and everything else that was keeping me feeling like I was unusable or less than.  I wrote it to say, “Yep, I got a crazy past and many issues.  And guess what, you do to.  However what we’ve been through never determines who we are or who we are going to be….it’s just stuff in our journey so let’s stop hiding it like we are wrong for not being perfect.”

In closing, remember we were not placed on this earth to waste our time and working a lifetime to try to be a better person, be different, get perfect (whatever that is), be like somebody else, have what others have, run or hide our past or even to pretend that we have it together.  Think about it, if you are hurting, imperfect, confused and want to talk to someone with answers do you want the person who thinks they are perfect but can read out of a book or the one who’s been there and can help you get on the other side?  Hum can somebody say AA, support groups, etc.?

We can so easily see the lie in the words of the pastor who told me I was damaged goods and God would never use me because of my abuse and issues but we don’t see the same lie in believing we are no good or can’t be used for greatness because our lives aren’t perfect, like someone else, or we have wounds or scares.

 You can do this.  It time for No More Excuses.  Now is our time.